In the presence of non-drinkers, I never thought of drinking.
Jack London
Stopping drinking is difficult, but possible. Only a truly loving loved one can help in such a situation. Those who try to help an alcoholic to stop drinking, to save him in order to solve some of their problems (for example, housing), will get nothing. Love alone is also not enough to help get rid of the toughest addiction, you always need to know what to do. Since it happens that the strongest and noblest human feeling in a given situation causes parents, saving an alcoholic, to create the wrong stereotype of relationships with him. As a result, they only contribute to the development of alcoholism and themselves become co-dependent.
The traditional role played by relatives of alcoholics, most often the wife, is the role of "nanny". In the classic version, the "nanny" does everything possible and impossible to keep the family afloat, and those around her ignore the presence of a drinking problem. It provides for the needs of the family, maintains order in the house, brings up the children, and this education also has its peculiarities: from an early age, children are taught not to take "dirty laundry in public". The relationship with the drinking "half" of the "nanny" depends on the state in which this "half" is. During a frenzy, the "nanny" takes care of an alcoholic: finds him in places where he drinks, and brings him home; calls at work and says he's sick; tries to neutralize his aggressiveness, often enduring beatings and insults; nourishes and washes it.
During a period of abstinence, the "nanny" can continue to see and please the alcoholic, hoping to prevent him from drinking, or on the contrary, as if she were taking action, charge him with various acts andhomework. In either case, after a while another binge develops and it all starts all over again. Such a cyclic algorithm of relations can exist for an arbitrarily long time. Not only does the "nanny" by her actions aggravate the development of alcoholism, - in the end, she herself can no longer live differently. This is why so often wives of alcoholics, when remarrying, again choose drunkards or drug addicts as companions.
The general rule for all family members, regardless of who is ill with them - husband, wife, father, mother, son, daughter - is to do nothing that contributes to the development of the addiction. It means the following:
The drinker has to solve his problems on his own.
Well, since he creates them for himself, let him decide. Otherwise, he won't have a barrier until the next drink, because he's hoping for your help. Sometimes it goes to the point of absurdity: the husband has spent to drink the whole "family pot", there is nothing in the house, and the wife runs around his acquaintances, borrows money to pay. her husband's debts, which he contracted during the frenzy.
When trying to save money, you don't have to call an alcoholic at work and tell them they are seriously and suddenly ill. First, it is not good to cheat - do not set a bad example for children; second, after two or three such calls, no one will simply believe you and they will at least laugh at you softly; and thirdly - today you will save him from a simple beating, which might have stopped him, and tomorrow he will drink even more and, in the end, he will lose his job.
It is totally unacceptable, from our point of view, the situation where compassionate relatives themselves buy alcohol to intoxicate an alcoholic. With the same success, you can offer a loved one medicine or some other poison.
the treatment is not always pleasant and painless.
If, for example, a person has an abscess somewhere on his body, you can hide it under clothes, pour deodorants so that there is no smell, create greenhouse conditions for a person so that'she moves less and does not feel pain. As a result, all this will lead to the development of sepsis and death. If, despite the pain, an abscess is opened, a course of antibiotics is "pierced", although this is also quite painful, there is a high probability that the person will recover.
You have to keep your promises, and if you can't keep them, then you better not give.
Alcoholics, dropouts and drug addicts are very sensitive to where it is possible to achieve something, and where there will be outright denial. In this respect, they are like children, and it is often necessary to communicate with them as with children: if necessary - praise, and if necessary - punish. But not a single, even the most trivial episode associated with alcohol consumption should be left without your attention, and, of course, the degree of "punishment" needs to match the degree of "infraction". And don't be confused by the solid age and the representative appearance of the "culprit". Healthy carrot and stick policies often work well across a wide range of ages and social backgrounds.
So, for example, if a woman promises her husband that in the event of a new frenzy she will divorce and he literally comes "on her eyebrows" that evening, then at least the next day she should write a statement ofdivorce and ask her husband to sign that he agrees. The application to the registrar can always be withdrawn, but practice shows: such decisive actions make the husband think about his problems much faster than many reproaches and broken promises.
Your attitude towards alcohol should be consistently negative.
Any alcohol consumption, even the smallest, even the smell of smoke, should not be without your negative appreciation. That doesn't mean you have to make a big deal out of smashing food every time. Under no circumstances should this be done - such "showdowns" will only lead to an alcoholic with a clear conscience "relieving stress" and willingly telling sympathetic drinking buddies what his wife is. bitchy and that he drinks exclusively because of her. Such situations should be discussed calmly, naturally - on a sober head, their reasons should be analyzed and real conclusions should be drawn. It should look something like this:
- Dear! Yesterday at a party, you drank again, despite your promise not to. It was very unpleasant for me, because at the end of the night you looked completely indecent, and coming back from you was just scary, you behaved so aggressively.
- You see, yesterday I was in a very bad mood because of problems at work, and I decided to drink a little, so as not to spoil the mood of others with my appearance. And next to me was the hostess' husband, who kept pouring for me all the time, so I didn't have time to eat. And the vodka was probably poor quality - my head hurts again. That's probably why I went too far.
- It seemed to me that if a man gives his word, then he must keep it! And it turns out that it is easier for you to break the given promise than to say "no" when they pour you vodka!
- Understand. . .
- No, I do not understand ! Let’s not kid ourselves! Over the last year we have to talk about it more and more often - I think it's time to consult specialists.
- You need - you and to be treated.
- Firstly, we both need it, and secondly, no one is going to treat you, we will just discuss with a psychotherapist how to behave in certain situations related to alcohol consumption.
Sometimes such a conversation is enough for a person with alcohol problems to agree to come to us, but more often than not they resist in any way possible, evoking the lack of free time, the pointlessness of this visit and much of it. other "valid" reasons. You have to be adamant and with each new episode of alcohol, insist more and more resolutely on your own. In addition, if the conversations are ineffective, do not hesitate to use other methods of pressure, which your intuition and your knowledge of the character of your loved one should prompt you. By the way, do not forget to periodically remind that in developed countries any more or less self-respecting person has their own psychologist, whom they periodically meet. And not having it is as embarrassing as, for example, riding a hunchbacked "Zaporozhets".
All conversations with an alcoholic should have a specific logical ending.
Any conversation, any dispute over an existing alcohol problem should end with some kind of constructive decision. Under no circumstances should you stop halfway and allow your patient's alcoholic "I" to again cheat everyone and make them postpone genuine anti-alcohol actions for an indefinite period of time. Since these conversations usually end with the alcoholic's promise to stop drinking, and everyone formally calms down. It is clear that after a while everything repeats itself, and so on - endlessly. So, if your close drinker tells you that he has it all figured out, has realized, deeply regrets and won't be like that anymore, just take his word for it if he drinks at least once more (no matter how much), you will go together for a psychologist.
When saving from drunkenness, do not drink in the presence of an alcoholic.
The smartest thing that the patient's loved ones can do is also not to drink or keep alcoholic beverages at home. Alcohol in such a house can be only in one form - as part of external disinfectants (iodine, bright green, etc. ). And although many of our patients, who have not been drinking for many years, feel completely calm in alcohol consumption businesses and are indifferent to alcohol, it is better to play it safe. The fewer provoking factors, the calmer it is. First, and second, remember the following:
The situation is not very promising when an alcoholic, who does not categorically see himself as such, educates and tries to help another more "successful" alcoholic to create (with the Green Snake) everyday and social problems. Clearly, appeals to a sober life seem unconvincing if they breathe fumes at you, and the difference between a sick person and a similar "healthy" person is that the latter has not yet lost their job andthat his wife has not left him yet. .
Don't hide the fact that your loved one has a problem with alcohol.
It is not an urgent need to tell everyone about your husband's drunken antics. No, but you must not deceive anyone, mislead anyone, pretending that you don't know anything. Under no circumstances should you cheat on children, let alone force them to lie. As a rule, they know and understand everything perfectly.
If you are sure that involving people who influence the alcoholic in solving the problem: parents, adult children, friends, bosses, coworkers, will help promote the cause - feel free to tell them everything andask for help.
The conversation with the alcoholic must be substantial.
It is not enough to say that he drinks a lot and often. For him, it's a hollow sentence. You should prepare in advance for a conversation with an alcoholic, especially if you are going to involve someone else. To do this, it will be useful to record the frequency of episodes of alcoholism, the degree of intoxication and the behavior in this state. Simply put, you should keep a journal and preferably with illustrations. In other words, if it is possible to film drunken flights on video, it must be done and you will discuss the moral and moral aspects of such actions when you save your loved one from the consequences of a serious and incurable illness.
The alcoholic needs to receive objective information about his illness.
A person who drinks unconsciously perceives all information in a one-sided way: he hears and sees only what he wants and what he does not want - he ignores it, pays no attention to it. Of course, only this information is allowed into the consciousness which does not harm the friendship with the Green Snake. The role of the censor is played by this very alcoholic "I", the inner voice that resonates within every alcoholic and justifies, disguises, adapts everything about consumption to the norm in every way possible.
In this regard, in order for all negative information about the disease and its consequences to reach the recipient, it is necessary to creatively approach the solution of the problem. You won't get anywhere if you stick newspaper clippings and anti-alcohol posters on every wall. But if you happen to say that one of your mutual acquaintances, who, by the way, was several years younger than you, is already in the next world, and her next frenzy is to blame for it, an alcoholic can become reflective.
One of our patients "woke up" (in his words) after barely recognizing his schoolmate in one of the homeless people rummaging through the trash cans.
Be sure to let the alcoholic read our book, it is specially written so that it is interesting for everyone to read.
Help the sober "I" of the alcoholic.
Don't wait for the alcoholic to start changing his stereotype of life, but actively (but not intrusively) help him to do so. Take him to the cinema, theater, sports fields, take him out of town, introduce him to interesting people. The alcoholic himself (though, of course, he is still socially adapted) is often very difficult to do, because he constantly has time problems - the lion's share of his time is taken by the Green Snake. And he has already lost the habit of such events, he does not know from which side to approach them.